


Les Miscéllanibles

by Sath



Category: Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: A Pug - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Ancient Greece & Rome, Alternate Universe - Ants, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Booby!Marius, Crack, Ficlet Collection, Food Sex, Illustrated, Les Amies des Fourmis, M/M, Marius Is Literally A Seabird, Nuntaire, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 20:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sath/pseuds/Sath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ficlets written in only three sentences, covering a variety of interests, genres, AUs, and kinks. Contains general abuse to the English language, as well as common sense and decency.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i love you, but do you have legbones? combeferre/enjolras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> Enjolras/Combeferre, AU where supernatural creatures (werewolves, fairies, mermen - take your pick) are real and one of them is a human and one is the creature.

“Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Les Amis de la Mer,” Enjolras says with an annoyed twitch of his tail. Combeferre presses a kiss against Enjolras’s gills and slides his hand down Enjolras’s pelvis, trying to feel for vestigial legbones. “I have no idea what you mean,” Combeferre replies.


	2. tyrian purple looks black at night. combeferre/courfeyrac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carmarthen-the-fan inquired:
> 
> Combeferre/Courfeyrac, Roman Gaul.

Courfeyrac drew the purple cloak closer around his body, letting it cling to where he was still flushed and bloody from their battle with the Romans. Combeferre fisted his hands in the soft fabric and pulled Courfeyrac in for a kiss, tasting sweat and the first of many cups of wine. 

“You know, more snails were dyed for that cloak than men died today on the field,” Combeferre said.


	3. she was perfect. enjolras/grantaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> E/R Black Swan.

Enjolras didn’t smile as she settled over Grantaire, her red mouth drawn into the same predatory line as her spine. Grantaire shivered at the touch of Enjolras’s hair against her skin while Enjolras seemed to flay Grantaire with only a look; Grantaire was dwindling to nothing but the feel of Enjolras’s fingers trailing down her body. When Enjolras pressed merely the tip of her tongue to Grantaire’s sex, she knew she would be devoured.


	4. you have contracted dysentery. bossuet/grantaire/joly/musichetta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vouksen inquired:
> 
> joly/bossuet/musichetta/grantaire oregon trail au

Bossuet and Musichetta’s dysentery had started to put a crimp in their sex life, though it hadn’t stopped Musichetta from killing all the local wildlife every time they stopped so Bossuet could violently void all fluids from his body. Grantaire remained mysteriously unaffected, despite nursing the two invalids to the best of his limited ability and interest. 

“There must be some reason why only half our number has fallen to this scourge,” Joly muttered to himself, taking another swig of whisky (he had avoided water ever since Bossuet had fallen ill, since there was no chance of it getting him drunk) to keep his courage up as the wagon turned into a place of pestilence, “some connection between myself and Grantaire; perhaps a freak of constitution, or a similarity in diet.”


	5. 3/4 sisters. ant au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> les amis d'abc are female carpenter ants

Les Amies Des Fourmis were a group which barely missed becoming historic; they were in greater part soldiers on good terms with the workers, and here are the names of the principal ants: Enjolrant, Combefourmi, Jehant Formaire, Formy, Courmyrac, Baformel, Bossuant, Jormy, and Grantaire, although Myrius Pontfourmy was known to occasionally frequent their secret gatherings in remote corners of the nest.

Enjolrant was once again infused with the scent of republicantism, her antennae gesticulating wildly as she released the pheromones of war, forelimbs akimbo and gaster upraised as she declared all ants 3/4 sisters. Grantaire did not stir from her sugary stupor except to lift the aphid’s anus to her lips and declare, “what fine chitin!”


	6. unwelcome visitors. courfeyrac/joly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smokefall inquired:
> 
> genderbent amis mermaids vs nightmare space moths thank

Joly could hardly remember the last time she could look out at the stars without fear, without watching for the black shadows of the Visitors; death came on wings thin as paper and delicate as a feather star, and her hand tightened on her spear as she watched the sky. She startled when she heard a splash at her side, but it was only Courfeyrac, come back from her patrol with a brace of severed antennae and long red scratch on her chest from a proboscis, though she grinned at Joly as if she were unharmed.

“Don’t frown, mademoiselle, lay down your spear and dance a spell,” Courfeyrac sang, laughing as she took Joly’s hand and pulled her back into the water, “it won’t do for our merriest to moan at moths – why, you can fly yourself on your four wings!”


	7. mad about the boy. courfeyrac/marius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> courfeyrac tries to get out of marrying his own sister in hellenistic/roman egypt your choice

It wasn’t that Corfeiranus disliked his sister, or found her unattractive; no, the problem with marrying her was that he didn’t want to settle down with someone simply because she happened to come from the same womb and it would keep all the money nicely in the family. 

Naturally, the solution was to convince his family that he was so hopelessly queer there was no chance of grandchildren from the union, and Corfeiranus decided to employ his friend Marius to that end (although he had not yet consulted Marius on the matter, he was sure that Marius would figure it out eventually and would support Corfeiranus wholeheartedly). 

Corfeiranus had draped himself over Marius at a family gathering and suggestively eaten a sausage, which left his family sadly unconvinced after Marius made a strange sequence of outraged noises and went pomegranate red; then there was the incident when Corfeiranus almost embarrassed himself by lunging for Marius’s body when his uncle joined them in the baths - Marius foiled that attempt with a girlish shriek and flapping his arms about like some sort of lunatic, knocking Corfeiranus’s head painfully against the tile, which was what finally made Corfeiranus realize that he had a bit of a thing for the boy after all.


	8. is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? enjolras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> modern au where enjolras reads "atlas shrugged" at college and comments on it

Enjolras entered the Café Musain in a great hurry, his face flushed from the cold and a thick book in his hand. He rushed to the small, barely functional fireplace and threw the book inside with a dramatic flourish that was wasted when the weight of the book put out the meager flame. 

“It’s so selfish, it won’t even give off warmth,” Enjolras huffed.


	9. how do you solve a problem like nuntaire? grantaire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> grantaire is legitimately a nun. grantaire is a nun c. 1300s England I guess? grantaire is a nun anywhere. any nunnery. just do this.

The following scrap of parchment was found in the walls of the convent of Chichester. Modern punctuation has been added to ease reading comprehension.

‘To my dear sister in Christ,

I must recommend the relocation of Sister Continentia – she has become even worse since the incident with the communion wine, which she drank after being banned from working in the brewery. She attempted to repent for drinking the wine by leading the evening prayers, but instead of beginning the _Pater Noster_ , she proceeded to recite some obscenity on ‘sol natis’ before vomiting dangerously near to the monstrance and passing out. Sister Continentia tempts her fellow sisters into all manners of vices – or at least she tries, if they would only respond to her constant mooning about. Though she has considerable talent for illumination, her marginalia are perpetually indecent and she is a sloppy copyist. I cannot suggest how Sister Continentia should be put to work, as I have detected no bent towards industry in her, other than towards the consumption of spirits and the representation of genitalia. Nevertheless, please – take Sister Continentia somewhere else.’

Written in the marginalia of the epistle, in a different hand, was the note saying ‘the wine wasn’t even very good,’ accompanied by a picture of a woman in nothing but a wimple.


	10. the odor of brie cheese. bossuet/grantaire/joly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vouksen inquired:
> 
> bossuet and joly sensually smear brie all over grantaire and lick it off

Brie actually needed to be quite hot before it would melt, at least to the point where it could be sensually licked off by your friends – Grantaire was fairly certain he’d already gotten a burn on one nipple and if Bossuet so much as moved the brie anywhere near his cock (which Bossuet did), Grantaire was going to kick him (which Grantaire did).

Joly spread hot brie over Grantaire’s chest with a cheese knife and tried to lick it off, but he mostly just pushed cheese around with his tongue before saying, “This is rather difficult and I don’t even remember why we decided to eat cheese off of you.”

“I think it began as something of a philosophical question,” Bossuet replied, helping himself to some of the brie that wasn’t on Grantaire, “as to whether or not one could be nourished by air – how the brie entered into it, I do not remember, but now that we’ve come to the point of sticking brie into your navel, it would simply look foolish not to bring our experiment to its natural conclusion.”


	11. singlesticks more like rubbin' dicks. enjolras/grantaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tenlittlebullets inquired:
> 
> 3-sentence porn prompt: Enjolras/Grantaire fencing or singlestick sparring turns into accidental frottage. (Whether or not Grantaire literally trips and falls on Enjolras' dick is up to authorial discretion.)

For someone who claimed to be good at singlestick, Grantaire seemed to be uniquely bad at it; he was, granted, much more nimble than Enjolras had expected and he was quick to use his scarf to deflect a blow, but Grantaire kept tangling their feet together and setting them tumbling onto the floor, offending both Enjolras’s spine and his dignity as Grantaire repeatedly rubbing against his groin provoked a reaction.

Grantaire’s latest misstep had Enjolras falling on his already bruised tailbone, Grantaire’s solid weight pressing him even harder against the floor and Grantaire was already mumbling an apology, incapable even at getting up as his hips jerked once and Enjolras found himself letting out a breath that sounded too much like a moan.

“Grantaire,” Enjolras said, speaking very low and forcing Grantaire to look him in the eye by tugging on his curls, “you are going to finish what you very clearly started and we are never going to talk about this again.”


	12. i got yr cherry bomb. javert/montparnasse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carmarthen-the-fan asked:
> 
> Javert/Montparnasse, wallsex.

The rough brick of the wall scratches at Montparnasse’s cheek as the inspector fucks him, Javert’s hand on his throat keeping Montparnasse in place even when Javert thrusts hard enough to set Montparnasse on his toes, scraping his lip against the brick and he knows it’s split, he can feel the blood welling up and threatening to spill on his clothes.

“You can do better than that, old man,” Montparnasse says, pressing his tongue into his cut lip. 

Javert’s hand tightens around Montparnasse’s throat; at last Montparnasse’s heart beats faster and he can feel the weight of it in his chest, aching more than his own untouched cock as Montparnasse’s head spins and he imagines what a beautiful corpse he would make, laid out in the snow with a crimson smile.


	13. the tongue of saint-simon. combeferre/courfeyrac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smokefall inquired:
> 
> fem!courfeyrac going down on ANY LADY canon or genderbent pLS

“I am not certain that this was what Saint-Simon meant when he spoke of the rehabilitation of the flesh,” Combeferre says, stretching out on their shared bed and opening her legs, letting Courfeyrac trace a path up Combeferre’s thighs with her tongue.

“Both the spirit and the flesh are an expression of God’s love,” Courfeyrac replies, looking up archly before pressing her mouth to Combeferre’s sex, kissing the most sensitive part with her eyes closed in an affectation of spiritual reflection.

Combeferre struggles to keep herself from moaning too loudly as she feels Courfeyrac’s tongue slip inside her, so gentle and quick and eager to please as always, and Combeferre thinks there is much more of the paladin than the priest in her friend.


	14. what goes unsaid. enjolras/grantaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous inquired:
> 
> E/R Enjolras owes Grantaire money

It was going on the third week that Enjolras owed Grantaire three francs; Grantaire couldn’t even remember what Enjolras had needed, there was only the memory of Enjolras looking vaguely embarrassed when he realized he’d left his wallet at home and Grantaire offering to pay, receiving a ‘thank you’ for the trouble and three interminable weeks of wondering if he would ever see his money again.

“You must broach the subject with him, my friend,” L’aigles said, chewing thoughtfully on the shared lunch they’d brought with them to the Luxembourg, “for otherwise, he will never pay you back – rich people have no concept that money exists, because it is something they never worry about, and I am certain that if you only asked him, Enjolras would erase the debt and likely give you some interest, which you must nobly refuse, because he won’t realize he’s being patronizing.”

Grantaire watched longingly as Enjolras and Courfeyrac engaged in an unseemly bout of wrestling in the grass, hoping that Enjolras’s wallet would accidentally fly out while Courfeyrac struggled to pin him and spare everyone the pain of mentioning the unmentionable.


	15. m. de dents has cils-ed your fate. enjolras/grantaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artificialities inquired:
> 
> Enjolras and Grantaire, first meeting

Gros points him out first, the tall young man who stood out from the crowd by the fineness of his clothes and his foppish blond curls, declaring that M. de Dents (for he has truly exquisite teeth when he smiles at his friends, even from the polite distance the Baron and Grantaire are keeping) would be a fine artist’s model only so long as he kept away from the fearsome Mlle de Hors, out for his money and a sprawling country mansion.

Grantaire picks up the narrative, trying to fill in the mysterious past of M. de Dents – oh, there is great tragedy there, for M. de Dents is not only fleeing the Mlle de Hors and the bastard child they had conceived during a night of ill-advised and illusory passion, but also from himself, and his strange, crippling addiction to wheels of brie and its imminent threats upon his delicate figure.

Then Lesgles, of all people, seems to pop up from nowhere at all, greeting M. de Dents as a friend before catching sight of Grantaire and dragging the handsome monsieur over, introducing him with an Occitan mouthful of a name which sounds like Angel-something or other, and Grantaire bursts out laughing.


	16. the booby chamber. prouvaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carmarthen-the-fan inquired:
> 
> Jehan attempts to introduce Actual Booby Marius to poetry.

“I do not think this booby knows anything of poetry,” Prouvaire said, observing how Marius looked askance at the _Purgatorio_ , but he could not blame the bird terribly for it and found himself stroking Marius’s neck feathers, ignoring for the moment his inability to scan lines or read Italian.

“This is what you get for trying to teach a lawyer immensity – it will shit on your efforts, make a sound like a piping kettle, then waddle on the destruction (I recommend you take Dante away from his feathered backside) – lawyers are of the lineage of Gilles de Rais, and this one is no exception, but with blue feet in place of a blue beard,” Grantaire replied, contradicting his avowed sentiments by feeding Marius jarred anchovies.

“His dancing is entirely disruptive to my melancholy; I can compose nothing in the face of – well, in his ridiculous face,” Prouvaire said, avoiding the earnest bird’s worshipful gaze to glare at Courfeyrac’s latest letter, begging Prouvaire’s pardon for extending his trip in the country to wring money from his relatives and never once acknowledging that Marius was too perfect a booby.


	17. city of the dead. grantaire/prouvaire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artificialities asked you:
> 
> Grantaire and Jehan, hanging out
> 
> bonus reference guide put together [here](http://plinytheyounger.tumblr.com/post/52728951704/the-raft-of-the-medusa-and-works-inspired-by-it)

Grantaire had left Jehan to his contemplation of ‘The Raft of the Medusa’ - it was a ghastly painting, not to Grantaire’s taste, though he could see where its savagery would appeal to Jehan - but he had only just started to eye a portrait by Ingres before he heard Jehan begin to sob. 

Jehan was holding a hand to his mouth, transfixed by the horror Grantaire preferred not to see and he pulled Jehan away from it, holding him close so Jehan could weep against his shoulder; it was not entirely unusual for young men to break down in the Louvre.

"I would rather," Jehan said, “that all this work was but a shade on the barque of Dante, than a reflection of France."


	18. a couch, limpid eyes, forced perspective. courfeyrac/marius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked you:
> 
> Courfeyrac/Marius (or Courfeyrac/Combeferre), Carl watching EXTREMELY ANNOYED, probably farting to try to ruin it
> 
> Illustrated [here](http://nisiedrawsstuff.tumblr.com/post/54331906563/wip-color-study-and-revised-line-work-for-voyeur).

After many long weeks of confusion, frustration, and Marius being himself, Courfeyrac finally had Marius spread out over his best récamier and they were swiftly approaching a state of glorious, shared nudity. 

Courfeyrac was groping Marius thoroughly when he noticed the insistent wheeze; at first he thought it was Marius hyperventilating from the realization of his erotic fantasies, but it was only Carl the dog, staring from the doorway with limpid, slightly runny, eyes.

“Your dog hates me,” Marius said, his expression becoming worried, as if he were about to flee from the disapproval of Carl; Courfeyrac shifted to block Marius from Carl’s line of sight and had just started to busy himself with Marius’s pretty red mouth when he heard an eruption of a sigh right next to his ear, startling him so severely that both he and Marius fell off the couch.


	19. j'aime mieux mon maître. carl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> voksen asked: “the time carl peed on courfeyrac’s cockade"

Courfeyrac had wasted so much time looking for his cockade he worried he’d miss the émeute; it was such a small little thing, easily put into a pocket and forgotten about, that he was fairly certain there were at least fifteen secreted about the house.

“Ah ha!” he cried, finally locating his cockade in a pile of Marius’s clothes that he’d intended to burn – then dropped it immediately when he realized it was damp with eau de Carl.

The dog had settled himself on the fauteuil and produced an expression that seemed to say that if Courfeyrac’s things were going to get mixed up with Marius’s, then Carl’s contempt would be expressed more widely.

Bonus sequel:

Fresh cockade pinned to his lapel, Courfeyrac leaned down to give Carl a single pat on the head.

“Wait here for me.”


	20. the love doctor. courfeyrac/joly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angualupin inquired:
> 
> Joly is checking his tongue in Courfeyrac's exquisitely polished pocket watch. Courf suggests something better to do with said tongue. Things proceed from there.

Courfeyrac was a bit startled when Joly’s hand went sliding into his coat pocket, disappointed when Joly was only reaching for his pocket watch, and bemused when Joly took advantage of its polished silver to check his plump tongue.

“Have you ever considered suffering from a more glamorous illness – say, erotomania – and checking for it orally?” Courfeyrac asked, feeling like the question was hardly unwelcome to the person who had been sitting in his lap and wiggling his arse for the past hour.

Joly snapped the pocket watch shut with a flick of his wrist and after implying that Courfeyrac was some variety of nun (untrue), pulled Courfeyrac into a kiss full of tongue and the taste of shandy.


	21. the ingeNU. courfeyrac/marius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stripysockette inquired:
> 
> Courfeyrac has a thing for people taking their clothes off. Marius has no shame.

“Marius, as a guest in my house, I would prefer you spend the evening nude,” Courfeyrac said, because he found himself in a perverse mood and Marius would never fulfill his freak of a request.

“If that’s what you would like,” Marius replied with a shrug, before undressing with more efficiency than Courfeyrac had ever seen the boy display elsewhere.

Courfeyrac had the mind to ask if Marius was coltish because his father was very clearly a horse.


End file.
